Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
