Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
