I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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