Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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