I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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