so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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