Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
