Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
