how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
