i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
