Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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