8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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