By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
