I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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