idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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