I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
