when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
