So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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