I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
