I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
