My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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