Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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