Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
