Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
