no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
