Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
