yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
