wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
