Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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