Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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