You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
