Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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