that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I want a musical about memes.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
