So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
