People in love make me want to vomit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
