I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
