How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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