eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
