Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
