I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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