I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
