Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
