If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
