I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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