Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
