I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
