He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just high enough for therapy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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