so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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