I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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