you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
