hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
be right there i have to get my cape
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
