this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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