even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
