Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
